Itasaku and InoKisa PURE HORROR and comedy
by xDeadlyDiseasex
Summary: Ino and Sakura join Akatsuki, Sakura falls for the weasel and Ino is in love with a fish could things get worse OF COURSE IT COULD!
1. Admitting being a whore

Im doing something NO ONE EVER DONE

Making an ino/kisame pairing but they're not the main

Itasaku are the main pairing

READ-N-REVIEW 

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Sakura and Ino sat in a black room tied to the wall Sakura glared at her friend in the dark "It's all your fault pig."

"What, no it's not!"

"Uh ya it is contrary to your beliefs it's all your fault."

"Why you-" Ino was cut off by the door opening.

Both looked over seeing red eyes looking at them.

Ino gasped "Oh dearie it's kami! He's here to pent our sins!"

Sakura raised her eyebrows "No moron it's Uch-"

"Dear Kami im so sorry for letting the promise maker feel me up at last years festival."

Sakura's eye twitched "You let my dad feel you up!?"

They heard a click just then the lights turned on blinding Ino and Sakura, when they adjusted to the lights they saw it was not Kami, but Kisame and Itachi standing at the doorway.

"Told you it wasn't Kami! Now two s-classed criminals know that you're a whore."

Ino gasped "At least im not going to die like a virgin like you!"

Sakura opened her mouth but Itachi cut her off "Will you two shut up for one minute.

As you know you both were abducted you are now in the Akatsuki base we're here to offer you a position seeing that Yamaka is efficient in justu's and genjustu.

And Haruno is an expert in medical status and taijustu.

You will get your own rooms or will share which ever you two feel comfortable with and if you don't accept we will not hesitate to kill you."

Sakura blinked "Oh joy."

Ino thought hard "Is there a repeat button?"

Kisame sighed "We want you two to become Akatsuki members if you don't accept we'll kill you."

Ino nodded "Seems fair enough… WE'RE IN!"

Sakura's eyes widen "What!"  
Ino shrugged "I have to clean my room when I get back to Kohana becoming Akatsuki seems funner then cleaning my room."

Sakura sighed, "Fine fine if Ino joins ill have to join because only Kami knows what she'd get herself into."

Itachi walked up to Sakura and unbound her wrists Kisame did the same with Ino.

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Short sorry what'd you think maybe I should abandon?

REVIEW

Sam


	2. defective children at birth

Sarita Lawson- well that's kind of creepy but not very threatening but oh well im glad you like it!

Sakura59- im glad you enjoy it I actually had a dream and the first chapter was the dream and I was like why the hell not?

Kakashi-vivi- wow you like review every story I ever did THAT'S AWESOME thanks a lot

Darkindangerous and some other random person that didn't leave their name- glad you enjoy it

Kenya- I know she's so blonde I love it

Ninjagirl- I am but you better review this chapter also

Tri- I love making ino the slutty stupid friend I like her and all but seriously she reminds me of my best friend, witch is a gay guy BUT SAME THING

READ-N-REVIEW

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"Duna duna duna duna BATMAN!"

Sakura hit Ino "batman sucks I think Anal Leakage man should get his own theme song."

Kisame and Itachi looked over at the two girls they were currently walking down the halls towards their soon to be rooms.

Kisame spoke up "What are you two on?"

Ino shrugged "What ever I find off the streets."

Itachi looked at Sakura "And you?"

"Sakura waved a finger in his face "It's not what im on, it's what im NOT on."

Ino and Sakura nodded in agreement.

Ino thought for a second "I want chocolate sundae pocky Mmmmmmm"

"Pig you're too fat for chocolate."

"Shut up virgin."

"At least my ass isn't so big that it's basically resting in Suna."

Ino growled along with Sakura they both pounced on each other kicking and punching each other with all they got.

Reluctantly Itachi and Kisame pulled Ino and Sakura apart when Ino yelled, "At least I have boobs!"

Sakura's face fell to look like puss in boots.

Ino's face softened "Sorry did I go too far?"

Sakura nodded saying in a small hurt voice "Just a little."

Itachi spoke up and pointed to a door "That'll be your new rooms ours is right beside yours."

Sakura and Ino squealed and got out of Kisame's grasp opening the door.

Both of their jaws dropped their was on the left wall was just one big window letting light in. On the far right there was two closet doors and another door to the bathroom also some wooden shelves on the walls that had nothing on it except for some empty picture frames.

On the very back wall were two queen sized bed on was pushed up to the left wall the other on the right. The sheets were red and the comforter was black there was two pillows on each bed that had a black backround and red clouds.

One red wood nightstand was beside each bed that held an old fashioned lamp and alarm clocks.

The carpet was plush black that was so soft that you'd rather sleep on the ground then on your bed.

The walls were red with black clouds that had white lining around the clouds.

Sakura and Ino high fived Sakura dashed over to the bed near the window wall "DIBS!"

Ino pouted, "That's no fair!"

"Yes it is and anyway you probably will never be in here."

Itachi quirked an eyebrow still in an emotionless demeanor "Why is that"

Sakura shrugged "Cause she'll probably just be bunking with Kisame."

Sakura wiggled her eyebrows suggestively towards a red Ino and Kisame.

Ino threw her fist in the air "Ya only if you and Itachi don't get it on first."

Sakura's eye began to twitch viciously as she felt her cheeks heat up.

Ino and Sakura began bickering again glaring at each other sending lightning bouncing off the walls.

"And these girls are the highest ranking Anbu?" Kisame scoffed.

Itachi analyzed both girls before saying, "When I was living in Kohana the kunichi** (Sp?)** Were never like this, maybe they're a defective kind."

Kisame nodded in agreement.

Itachi spoke up cutting off Sakura's rant "It's getting late you two should get to bed."

Both nodded and climbed into bed then Ino turned on the lamp.

Sakura glared at her "Oh no im not sleeping with the light on!"

Ino glared back at Sakura "I can't help it!"

"Ino I swear to god if you don't f'en turn off the damn light you'll regret it!"

"Shut up Billboard Brow at least im not afraid of toasters."

Sakura gasped, "But they're always popping up when not needed and you know they're hot! Then there was the time I put a fork down the toaster and the toaster abused me-"

Itachi once again cut in "I'll sleep in here Kisame can sleep with lights on we'll just have to share the room. Ino Kisame will show you were it is."

Ino nodded and stuck her tongue out at Sakura "Have fun sleeping, super nerd."

"Of course I will Queen Crabs."

Sakura watched as Itachi stepped in the room and Ino walk out. Itachi walked over to the bed that was suppose to be Ino's he took off his shirt and pants leaving him only in black silky briefs.

Sakura's face turned scarlet Itachi looked over at Sakura "Are you done staring?"

Sakura squeaked and hid under the covers.

This was going to be a long ass night.

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I didn't abandon it WOOT Now **review** now

Sorry it was short

Sam


	3. Trans and Mellow the fuck out

Im updating soon surprise surprise!

Im really glad you people like it

SweetAssassin- don't break the desk! Damn

Tri- you must love a man in briefs

Darkindangerous- I know im impatient too; no unfortunately the only 'action' at night was what Sakura was dreaming about

Kakashi-vivi and other random person that didn't leave a name- Im glad you enjoy it

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Sakura and Ino were currently sitting in the living room couch Kisame and Itachi went to go get the other Akatsuki members.

Sakura spoke up "You know how guys have their pantie raids, well we should have boxer raids."

Ino nodded and snickered Sakura and Ino looked at each other before dashing into their rooms and rummaging through their drawers.

Ino looked at Sakura and said "Boxers or briefs?"

Sakura smirked and held up briefs and Ino had boxers.

They began rummaging through it again before both said at the same time "Oh my god look at these!"

Ino held up pink boxers that had yellow cartoon fish and the Cat in The Hat on it.

Sakura had bright blinding yellow briefs that had pink kittens with big red bows tied around its necks that were playing with green balls or a ball of yarn.

Ino and Sakura snickered and laughed evilly "Oh pig could you just imagine if we were in high school we could put them up on the flag pole!"

Sakura and Ino burst out laughing before Ino all of a sudden stopped and said "What'd you call me?"

"You heard me PIG"

"Oh no you didn't forehead girl."

"What are you deaf or is all that FAT gone to your ears!"

Sakura and Ino growled at each other but it immediately stopped when they heard the front door open.

Putting the boxers in the drawers they hurriedly ran downstairs.

Itachi looked at them "What were you two doing up stairs?"

Sakura spoke up "Well you see we were getting dressed but let me tell you Ino looks pretty damn good without a shirt on so we just had to make out but I guess it took longer then suspected."

Some guy with blonde hair smirked "Score Lesbians, yeah!"

Ino looked shocked "Omg you totally stole my look what the hell is wrong with you bitch!"

Deidara glared at Ino "Im not a chick hoe and you stole my look, yeah."

Sakura spoke up "Wow I never thought there was a cross dresser in Akatsuki."

Deidara's one visible eye began to twitch Kisame cleared his throat "Deidara is a guy, not a trans, not a cross dresser, not gay he is straight."

Ino's face fell "Damn it transvestites always do a kick ass job on make up."

Sakura shook her head as Itachi began introducing the Akatsuki people "The blonde one as you know is Deidara, the one with the mask is Tobi."

Ino thought for a moment before "Hey is that all?"

Itachi nodded "Damn and here I thought I was gonna be surrounded but loads of hot gay men so I can publish my book."

Sakura eyed Ino "You write gay porn?"

Ino gave Sakura a dumb look "Duh, who doesn't?"

Sakura shook her head and sat by Ino, sometimes Sakura wondered why she was friends with Ino, oh ya that's right because she owns the big vacation house that had hotsprings and a pool inside.

"Hey can we go out to eat?"

"What?"

"Eat you know NUMMY NUMMY NUMMY ya that im hungry and I cant cook and they're no way in hell im eating anything you guys cook."

Everyone agreed and went out.

They were in a local restaurant in Tea country when a waitress came up and looked at Ino "Are you Yamaka, Ino?"

Ino nodded Sakura looked at the waitress she looked around fifty Sakura then looked at Ino "Omg is this the professors wife?"

The woman glared at Ino "So now you told everyone?"

The Akatsuki didn't know what was going on so they just kept quiet.

The woman said again "I know what you did you filthy whore."

Sakura glared at the woman before saying "Back off lady."

The woman glared at Sakura "Was I talking to you?"

Sakura glared right back "No but you were spitting on me so I suggest you mellow the FUCK out."

"Don't talk to me like that."

"So she gave your husband a fucking brim job** (A form of sexual encounter) **big FUCKING deal, im sure he was begging for it. And anyways I heard it wasn't that big anyway it was like a pencil."

Sakura wagged her pinky finger to emphasize her statement.

The woman pointed her finger in Sakura's face "How dare you."

Sakura grabbed the woman's wrist "Here's some FUCKING advice don't EVER FUCKING point you FUCKING finger in crazy people's FUCKING faces!"

Sakura then started barking at her like a mad dog on rabies.

Itachi grabbed Sakura's shoulder "I think its time we leave."

It's true Ino did do stuff with one of her teahcers but she was drunk! They were at the bar afterwards Ino felt awful because he had a wife and kids it wasn't her fault BLAME THE ACHOL!

Itachi dragged Sakura out of the restaurant and out of Tea country back to the base.

Ino grinned at Sakura while they were walking in the woods "Have I ever told you how much I love you forehead?"

Sakura looked at Ino and smirked "She was asking for it anyway f'en spitting on my pancakes, the nerve of the bitch."

Sakura and Ino both nodded and began to walk ahead of the four Akatsuki members grinning like idiots.

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I loved the fight scene between Sakura and the one woman THAT WAS GREAT

You have to admit it

REVIEW PLZ

Sam


	4. You might as well live and theirrapist

Ah yes another chapter just cuz I love all of your reviews!

Antisocial- im glad to hear that sadly if you had to hang out with me in public you'd be scared for your life

Peng- wait no longer!

Sachiru- I knew I spelled stuff wrong thanks for pointing that out so now I no longer look stupid spelling it all wrong

Darkindangerous- I know Ino was always a whore they just hint it in shows

Kakashi-vivi and sweetassassin- thank you for the reviews

Read-n-review 

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Sakura and Ino were dancing through the hallways and the living room yelling

"RAZORS PAIN YOU

RIVERS ARE DAMP

ACID STAINS YOU

AND DRUGS CAUSE CRAMP

GUNS ARENT LAWFUL

NOOSES GIVE

GASS SMELLS AWFUL

YOU MIGHT AS WELL LIVE!"

Itachi grabbed Sakura's shoulders and glared at her "Why are you yelling it's Two am in the morning."

Ino fell on her ass only to have Kisame grab her forearms to keep her in place.

Sakura smiled at itachi "Well you see when Ino and I were in a mental institution we and this other chick that was f'en crazy I mean DAYUM! Anyways we used to go around singing that and spinning in circles, but we never got into trouble cause Ino was sexing up the ther-rapist."

"You mean Therapist."

"Nope he was like eighty and Ino was like fifteen, that HAS to be some sort of rape."

Kisame looked at Ino weirdly "You were having sex with your therapist?"

Ino smiled "of course not I just gave him some nude pictures and we didn't have to take our meds."

Sakura nodded "They wanted us to take laxatives for Kami's sake!"

Sakura and Ino nodded together in agreement.

Kisame looked at both of them "And they let you guys out?"

Sakura gave him a stupid look "No way."

Itachi looked at Sakura "Then why are you here waking me up in the middle of the night?"

Ino scrunched up her noise to look like a constipated sour patch kid "Because me and Sakura flew out side like a bird and into the sun light we were free of those insane people!"

Sakura looked at Ino "Ino we didn't fly out we flew out, duh."

Ino nodded "Oh right opps forgot."

Kisame looked at Itachi "We really aren't going to let these to whack jobs alone together in the same room."

Itachi sighed "No you bring Ino to our room ill sleep with Sakura in their room."

Kisame nodded as Sakura purred like a kitten after Kisame and Ino left "I never knew you felt the same way Ita-kun."

Itachi sighed and dropped Sakura so she landed on her arse when she hit the floor "Owie big meanie!"

The rest of the night was peaceful for Kisame and Itachi only because they tied Ino and Sakura to the bed headboard and put an apple in their mouths, let me tell you it was the greatest sleep the two guys had in years.

In the morning Ino was eating cereal on the couch watching tv it was the volume was the whole way up and Sakura was trying to sleep.

Sakura walked out in the living room to see Kisame and Itachi sitting by her.

Sakura walked over to the tv and shut it off while walking away she heard Ino say "Asshole!"

"Fatso!" Sakura called back knowing that'll shut her up.

Sakura got some plain potato bread and sat beside Itachi on the couch.

Itachi looked at her "I thought you two were best friends."

"Of course we are but we are also each others biggest enemies, you know we're just trying to spread the love."

Itachi looked away that's why he never wanted to have friends too much trouble trying to keep them hating you.

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That's all for now im going back to watching music videos

**REVIEW!**

**  
**Sam


	5. The stage of denial

SORRY FOR THE LATE UPDATE im trying to write 4 stories at once and my brain isnt even big enough for tying shoes so yes

Thanks everyone for updating

READ-N-REVIEW

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Sakura was sitting there BORED out of her ¼ of a brain.

Sakura would be reaking havoc with Ino, but sadly her and Kisame went out to a village to shop.

And Deidara and Tobi were out getting drunk and Sakura was talking to Itachi until he locked himself in his room.

Well they werent really talking Itachi was trying to train as Sakura was talking about what Lee and Sasuke's babies looked like, talk about nightmares!

Sakura got bored eating the grapes off of the wallpaper in the kitchen so she went to find Itachi!

Sakura knocked three times before saying in a manly voice "This is conneticut we're here for your Jew money!"

**(No offence to ppl who are Jewish cuz I am so its ok if I make fun of them cuz im still gonna have Honnikah this December)**

Sakura didn't hear anything on the inside so she guessed it was 'Plz come in so I can hear your sweet angelistic voice.'

Sakura opened up the door only to dodge a hammer being trown at her head "Why are you in here?"

"Well I know you wanna screw me because I am the girl of your dreams and you dream about sexing me up so I came here to talk to you about your obsession with me."

Itachi glared at Sakura "The only dreams I have about you is disembling your body."

"Yes yes I know then having a hot make out session I understand but you see we can get through this together Ita-kun."

Itachi's glared intensified that could make ice witch from Narnia pee herself like a five year old, but Sakura just looked at Itachi and smiled "Why wont you die!"

Sakura sighed, "How sad you're still in the denial stage."

"Stage of what?"

"Of our hot intense smexy love of course!"

Itachi was glaring soo much that he could hardly see because of his eyelashes.

Itachi pointed menacingly at Sakura "You off my planet!"

Sakura sighed and threw her hands up in the air in defeat "Okay whatever you say, but once when you realize that you want me ill be in the next room sleeping."

THAT NIGHT 

Itachi woke up in a cold sweat and a hard on "Damn she's good."

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-Snickers- if you didn't get the last part Itachi was having an erotic dream about Sakura

REVIEW 

Sam


	6. Why does it feel like im in New Orleans?

I know I know im a horrible person BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH

Kakashi-vivi- okay okay quit yelling! Damn I feel like im working in a sweatshop here!

No j.k thanks for the review though

Icecream Skittles Addict- there's a lot of thing you don't know about him, like his favorite song is Maneater. I like your penname thanks for the review

Read-n-Review- it's true I was sitting in my bedroom just asking myself "What should I write to RnR, I got it a lot of nonsense stupid ness she'll (or he) will love it!" And im right again I think im a genius, thanks for the reivew.

Pandapinkbaby- thanks for the review

Darkindangerous- I know who the hell needs a conservitive Sakura, not us! Thanks for the review

Kenya- im glad my perverted thinking entertains you thanks for the review

D.K. Missy- im sorry to say the chunky monkeys are my like sixth penis so I practically rule them, but I think I updated soon enough! Thanks for review

Fallenangel- of course of course im updating happy god you people I swear its like talking to a one tracked mind idiot! No j.k I just like being over dramatic thanks for the review

Bloodstained something- I TRY I TRY BUT MY BRAIN WILL WORK WHEN ITS GOOD AND READY, thus geography is not my favorite subject.

Tri- glad you like it thanks for the reivew

Amane- thanks for the review im glad you liked it

Okay that took forever I need sleep BADLY

My mind is so dead I feel like my head is dead weight I don't think I can do anymore stories my bed is always so dead ARGH I'd be a good author one day IF MY BRAIN WOULD LISTEN FOR ONCE!

FORGIVE ME FOR GRAMMICAL ERRORS IT'S LATE AND IM TIRED SO SHHHHHH IT

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Out somewhere in the middle of Norway Kisame and Ino were taking off their coats and boots "You know Kisame they'll found out we're not shopping when we don't come back in a few days."

Kisame shrugged "Who cares now lets take a shower.

Kisame walked to the only bathroom with Ino following behind.

When Ino shut the door the only thing that could be heard was 'ohh someone's naughty.'

"**BEKA HENTAI TEME!"**

Ino stormed out only in undergarments leaving a broken handed love struck fish following after her.

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Itachi opened the door to Sakura's bedroom quietly he stalked over to the bed and shook her shoulders lightly.

Sakura bolted up awake "OH NO IT'S THE GOVERNMENT HERE TO TAKE ME AWAY TO THE ASANE SUSSILUME FOR KNOWING THE ALIEN'S TEA PARTY PLANS!"

Itachi looked at Sakura dumbstruck before shaking his head no "No it's me Itachi."

Sakura breathed for a second before snickering in triumph "I knew you want me."

Itachi being stubborn glared at Sakura and roughly let go of her shoulders causing her to fall backwards "No I wasn't."

"Oh really then why are you in here in middle of then night, having another dream about you on top of you."

"Not actually it was me on top of you."

Sakura stood up on the bed and pointed an accusing finger at him "AH HA! I KNEW YOU WERE DREAMING ABOUT ME!"

Itachi berated himself in his mind **'I knew I should've just have sex with her while she was sleeping, it'd probably be more quieter than it is now.'**

"Damn annoying…"

Sakura pouted "Im not annoying!"

"And you're not quiet either."

Sakura went stiff for a moment not breathing or moving before whispering, "I can… hear my hair growing."

Itachi sighed, "How come Kisame always gets the easy ones."

"Because he's a fish feel some sympathy for the poor lobster."

Itachi got up and left leaving with a 'night' to resume his inappropriate lust filled dreams, he's gonna have to get his blankets dry cleaned again he could feel it.

(Wink wink get it if you don't ill explain it later)

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TIME SKIP BECAUSE I PAY FOR THE COMPUTER BILLS (okay I lied w.e same thing)

Everyone except Kisame and Ino who were mysteriously no where to be found were sitting at a round wood table with a 2 inch pale paper with dark inch written on it.

"This is a test to see how much you know, can do and what you need to work on, every year every Akatsuki member is required to do this. Put your name on it and after that ill explain what to do next."

Everyone was writing down his or her name except Sakura who was looking at the test as if it was the white Bill Cosby.

"Sakura why aren't you writing your name?" Itachi questioned in slight irritation.

"Because I do not feel comfortable to be giving out personal information to people I have no background checks on or the past/former issues, I mean for all I know I could be surrounded by blood thirsty horny S-classed criminals."

Sakura snorted at what she said for it to be a joke, but looking up at everyone looking at her seriously.

"Ohh right right I see trying to keep it low in the hood doggie dog I get it home dog skillet bisect** (My best friend Candy made that up I love her)**."

"Right resuming the test-"

"Test I thought this was a big baggie to hold all the skittles inside, damnit! Not fair you tricked me!"

Everyone rose an eyebrow in her direction when Tobi put his hand on Sakura's hand "Have you been taking you medication?"

"Yes."

"Have you been taking the correct amount."

"If you mean the hole bottle in thirty seconds than DAMN IM RIGHT ON TIME BRING HER IN BOYS!"

Just then the wall opened up and the people from West Coast Custom's came in with a purple car.

Everyone looked at Sakura in confusion she just shrugged "I promised them they could rent out this room to shoot their show because they're making pot in their garage and the ingredients needed to be spaced out, I felt bad for them so I let them in."

Itachi sighed in defeat "Come on we'll take the test else where."

Walking out of the room Sakura heard clanking and turned around "Hey darkie be careful with that that's a naked picture of Itachi's mom!"

The guy nodded his head in understanding resuming fixing the car.

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THIS TOOK ME FOREVER TO WRITE!

If failing Science class wont get me to hell THIS SURE THE HECK WILL!

I do not hate colored people I actually have colored friends and we always joke around so if your offended by this well BOO HOO GO TO THE QIZARD AND ASK FOR A BACKBONE!

REVIEW 

Sam


	7. If i win i get to take you to bed

Im not dead yet!

But sorry for not updating my parents are sending me to a mental ward because I supposedly have a diagnosis ill still write though nothing will keep me from you slightly crazy and pothead people!

Kakashi-vivi- its okay im overdramatic thanks for the review!

DarkinDangerous1313- Why wouldn't there be a naked picture of Itachi's mom I mean everyone has one of those, no j.k I don't know why I just felt like putting it in there do you have a problem, Good thanks for the review

IRMFS- thanks for review glad you like it

Gothic Saku-chan- sorry I disappointed you but at least I updated thanks for the review

Kenya- lol I thought it was creative thanks for the review glad you enjoy it

Tri17- we all wanna see more horny Itachi lol thanks for the review

The goddess of madhouse- my mind is so stupid I just put down whatever pops up glad you laugh at my mental issue thanks for the review

Dreamer- because he's having wet dreams of Sakura and one of his fantasies might trigger a 'happy feeling' do you get it yet? If you don't ill leave it simple he wants to bang Sakura but doesn't want to swallow his pride and admit he his a horny bastard. Thanks for the review

Aisu Tenshi- glad you like it thanks for the review

READ-N-REVIEW

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Sakura looked down at the blue laundry bin that was at her feet, she grabbed the black silk boxers on the top and looked at Itachi.

"You know Id rather be in them then cleaning them."

Itachi sighed and flipped a page in his book not bothering promoting her childish antices.

"I'll give you a nickel if you tickle my pickle."

"No."

"I'll give you a dime if you do it one more time."

Itachi inhaled just so she could wait for his deadpanned answer, "No"

"Ill give you a dollar if you make me holler."

Itachi raised an eyebrow and looked at Sakura "Where do you get these stupid sayings."

Sakura shrugged and dropped the boxers into the bin.

Kisame who was listening in walked up to Ino who was watching TV beside Itachi, said "I'll give you a nickel if you tickle my pickle."

Kisame before he could register anything in his mind was snogged senselessly by Ino.

Sakura's jaw dropped "That's so not fair!"

Itachi ignored her and flipped another page in his Woman's Weekly.

Sakura and Ino sat down on the couch when Ino sighed dreamingly "I forgot to tell you how me and Kisame came to be in the village."

"Well you see I was walking and I bumped into this gorgeous man, his name was Vinny, he owns a buggie and he drove me down to the pub, we had to stop five times if you know what I mean."

Tobi and Deidara nodded "It's good to drive safe during the night."

Everyone sweat dropped except Tobi and Deidara, oh the poor virgins.

"Anyways so when we got in there I turned around and I knew for a fact that this guy I knew before would be the one I spent the rest of my life with."

"Kisame" Sakura said dreamingly of how romantic this sounds.

"No, his name was actually Freddy, anyways so he took me to his house let me tell you he-"

"INO IM GONNA GET HERPIES JUST LISTENING TO THIS STORY JUST TELL ME WHEN YOU MEET KISAME!"

Ino huffed and crossed her arms "I didn't fall in love with him that day, it was the next day. But it was boring so I thought I would tell you a more exciting one!"

Everyone sweat dropped except for Itachi who was looking at the magazine just to see an absolutely positively gorgeous hand made blanket the theme was in a forest during winter he quickly circled it and flipped the next page.

Later on when Itachi walked into the living room Sakura was sitting on the couch with a stack of cards she smiled at him and offered "Wanna play a game of chance?"

Itachi looked at her scanning seeing what she was up to "What are the stakes?"

"If I win _I _get to take _you _to bed."

"And if I win."

"_You _get to take _me _to bed."

"No ill pass."

"Sakura smiled and put down the cards "It's okay I understand you'd rather earn it."

Itachi fought to not roll his eyes "What drugs are you on?"

Sakura snorted in irony "Im not on drugs my dreams are frightening enough."

With that she took her leave leaving Itachi in his thoughts.

'_She's cute when she's being annoying… cute as in Kisame.'_

Yeah right he wants to bang her.

'Shut up Sam you make me sound like a damn pervert' 

You are! You're thinking about Sakura naked

'Dear god…you're right THAT'S HORRIBLE' 

Don't worry it happens to the best of use, but for you it kind of shows more

Itachi looked down and decided he should shower tonight.

(Ahh naughty naughty)

But the thing that scared him the most he actually thought Sakura looked cute when being annoying…

STAGE 1- DENIAL

STAGE 2- RELIZATION

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PLZ DON'T KILL ME BECAUSE IT SUCKS, ITS NOT EVEN FUNNY IM SORRY ILL TRY BETTER NEXT TIME

Sorry it's late once again but you lived so now review

Or die

REVIEW

Sam


	8. date rape and elderberriesALSO CHALLENGE

AHH SORRY FOR LATE UPDATE I TRY IM SORRY!

I got 14 reviews on last chapter THANK YOU!

I also got a challenge read end thing for more information!

REVIEW TIME!

(Because blues clues took mail time)

Aisu Tenshin- thanks for the review, sorry for the lateness

Kenya- yes so does my perverted 80 yr old grandpa thanks for the review

Tri17- of course there is Itachi is just a horny guy

Pink101- thank you and also I appreciate the reivew

Annoynimes- thanks for the review glad you like it

AmaneRose- prepare for my kidney failure!

Tomoyo13452- thank you and I appreciate the review

Palmteeisland- im glad I bring you back to memory lane thanks for the review

WhiteDorian- Congratulations you shall live! Said some guy in the bible, well im not sure but I guess they HAVE TO SAY IT SOMEWHERE ever look at that thing longer than my damn English book and then there's all those small letters, let me tell you whoever wrote that damn book is the most boringness person in the world! He can turn water into blood yeah well I can build computers eat that Mr. snake staff! Riight anyway…. We all want to get fucked by Itachi admit it I know you do too! Lol thanks for the review

O0Dremaer0o- lol he so horny but Sakura is just trying to do it to him ya know, anyways thanks for the review.

Goth Saku-chan- thank you and I appreciate the review

Read-n-review- LMFAO dear god you must be on of the special ones like from the bible the old woman who was shoveling hay, yeah she was damned special! Until they of course killed her…. BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER what matters is that the sheep from the barn lived, thanks for the review.

Shadow angel- thanks for the review sorry it's late for updating

Darkindangerous- thank you thank you, im not sure, ill have to say how many big words I know, you'll like this chapter I know it! Thanks for the review

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Itachi was sulking in his bedroom all day mauling over thoughts such as 'How could I fall in love with a dumbass, LET ALONE ONE WITH NATURALLY PINK HAIR!!! PINK HAIR COME ON IM LIKE SO NOT PINK!'

Yes as you can see he sounds like a seven year old and he can't take love but outside he still looks like emotionless badass.

Itachi sighed and walked out of his room and into the living room just to see Sakura glaring at Deidara Sakura flung the sofa at Deidara while yelling,

"I don't want to talk to you anymore! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!!"

Thank god everyone in the Akatsuki aren't emotionally damaged as him (Sarcasm).

After the whole incident was over Itachi found him seated next to Sakura.

"Am I afraid of whales?"

Itachi raised and eyebrow in her direction.

"Well I mean I had a dream and in this dream some creepy Egyptian mask made whales come after me and I mean I sounded pretty scared of them, I never thought I was a scared whale person though."

(That was actually my dream I was thinking of Snow Day, it's an old movie and it had a whale thing in it, and then I thought about Shukaku when he took over Gaara before I went to bed so it was pretty fruitt-eh)

Itachi had a sudden urge to leave, falling in love was traumatizing enough but when the person you love just practically screamed 'IM A DAMN IDOIT!' believe me it doesn't help the situation.

"…. Are you scared of me?"

"Of course not, unless your going to turn into one of those creepy guys that stalk and take five thousand pictures of them then hang them up on your wall and masturbate to them… then I think I'd love you more!"

(OMG I DID SPELL CHECK AND I SPELT MASTURBATE WRONG, such a dunce)

"…" Itachi thought it better if he just ignored whatever nonsense just came out of her mouth "I have something to tell you."

"If this is about me posting naked pictures of you on the Internet it was so Ino I was just taking the nude pictures!"

'Comforting…' 

"No…. actually I was wondering if you'd like to go to a café or something… sometime…"

'_Dear god I did not kill my family to act like a pussy now get courage damn you! You are a sexy bitch! Damn sexy at that… very sexy… GOD IM SO SEXY'_

Riighht… moving onto other emotional issues.

Sakura raised her eyebrow "Why! OH I GET IT WE'RE GOING TO PLANT A PIPE BOMB DOWN AT THE Teen Plan Parent CENTER AND IF THEY SAY IT'S US WE'LL SAY 'We were drinking 100 natural Canadian coffee at the time' YOU'RE SUCH A GENIUES GENIUS!"

…If only she had 1 more of a brain this would be less painful.

"No… actually I was saying we should go to the café as in…"

"As in a co-worker community lunch break!" Sakura's eyes lit up in hopes, she always wanted to work for business so she could drink coffee in a cubicle; talk about how cool that'd be!

"No…_(God must I spell it out, maybe I shouldn't she might not know how to read)_ actually I meant as in a-"

"A date rape?"

"**YES**… I MEAN NO!!! God damnit im asking you out on a date, not a date rape not a date to eat your flesh in a back alley way so we could go on SUV tv show a date, date that people have when they like each other."

(If you don't get the SUV thing it was on of the episodes some guy ate these girls' flesh he met her over the Internet… kind of fruitty but he only ate the overweight chicks)

Sakura almost let the fireman out of her pants from shock.

**THE** **UCHIHA ITACHI THE KILLER S-CLASSED- IM-SO-EMO-I-WRITE-POETRY-BUT-MY-HAIR-IS-SO-LONG-AND-FLAWLESS-I-DON'T-EVEN-SEE-THE-EMONESS-IM-WRITING-FUCKING-CRIMINAL WAS ASKING HER OUT, **talk about a kick in the crotch!

Sakura shrugged nonchalantly "Sure but only…"

'Dear god I asked her out what more could she fucking want?' 

"Can you rent a hotel after words" Sakura wiggled her eyebrows suggestively but she was only kidding.

"No… because after im done with you, you wont even be able to talk let alone walk, so we're better off sticking to my room."

Sakura gulped nervously "I was just kidding."

Itachi walked out of the room before saying "Really... because I wasn't."

Seems like Itachi wont be the only one having naughty dreams tonight.

STAGE 1-DENIAL

STAGE 2-RELIZATION

STAGE 3- PAY BACK

(Does anyone notice im just fucking making these stages up as I go?)

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AHH DEARIE THAT WAS AWESOME

So for the challenge those of you who are strong enough to take it read 

**I want an Izumo/Sakura fic (I adore this couple so weird I know)**

**It must have**

**1.Lemons (Im a pervy perv still)**

**2.Abusive disapproving father (We need ooc ness in this story because I want some)**

**3. Some fluff (Hey im still a girl I like the fluff bunnies)**

**4. Must be story not one-shot!**

**THAT'S IT! Practically like 5 people could take on this so TELL ME IF YOUR DOING IT ID BE SO HAPPY HAPPY!**

**I WOULD DO MORE CHAPTERS FASTER!**

RIGHT NOW REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

CAUSE EVERYONE WANTS TO SEE ITACHI ACT LIKE A GOOD LITTLE BOY ON A DATTTE!

Samantha L. West


	9. This sucks

Im so sorry

But my little brother is a huge baby and because I didn't make him soup (Which he is full capable of making) he told my mother (Who doesn't believe anything I say always taking his side) that I was freaking out and destroying stuff.

Which I didn't

Makes me god damned mad so im not allowed on for a while.

Which sucks dick.

BIG BLACK

Ones

So yeah

Im sorry

Please forgive me

Im going to go now burn my little brother's stuff.

Bye for now

Sam


	10. Ben Sona son of a bitch in Hebrew

Eww my fucking mother fucking earesed ALL OF MY DEISAKU AND ITASAKU chapter pages,

Everyone single ones from the oldest to the one I was working on.

I only had to write the reviews in for my ItaSaku and then I'd post it but my fucking whore ass of a mother fucking earesed it

On porpuse

It was on a floppy disk, MY floppy disk I bought with my OWN money she took it out of my toom and earsed it to use for my fucking little brother

Not even a joke

Im fucking pissed

Off 

So just to let the readers know im fucking running away I'll got to school tomorrow and wont come home, I cant fucking stand this any of this

Madder than Mother Teressa when she found out Moses was god,

Sam


	11. keg is tapped ur getting capped

So,

Yeah this is for all my stories I just got out of Juvy, if your wondering, yes I did get sent there from fighting. Beat this girl's ass who she thinks she is who knows but she's ugly anyway, well if she wasn't before now she is!

I will start updating the comp in my room is getting set up, noice and if anyone would like to talk to me before hand.

My Aim or AOL sn is XAXLoadedXGunX

I miss juvy already, all my friends are there [ what a woe life it is to be outside those bars.

She's tired and bored she wishes you were gone,

Sam


	12. Redneck n Trippin Lava Man

SO everyone wants this story, so I'm gonna do it I'm gonna attempt to write this

Doesn't seem that fun sober, but hell I'll try

Wish me luck

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"SHA-IT!"

Sakura was too busy trying to see Deidara's junk and forgot to go shopping.

So she's stuck with no clothes what so ever.

She was just about to tug all her hair out of her skull when some messed up annoying blue sparkling wind thing appeared in front of her.

"Bippity-Boppity-Boo" Just then some fat grandma in a robe-muumuu appeared waving a plastic stick-thing.

"What the hell are you.."

"I am your fairy godmother, and I can dress you like no other"

"Why the fuck are you rhyming?"

"Cause it's in my contract, now like it or go fuck yourself and that's the fact!"

"Alright, might as well hit me."

Just then some annoying wind thing came about again, and some ugly turtle neck dress with long sleeves and ended at her ankles. Plus it was the most annoying color of yellow.

"What the hell is this?"

"The longer the dress, the less a man presses."

"That didn't even rhyme!" Sakura was frustrated enough without this whack job.

That old raggedy grandma flipped Sakura the bird and left, taking that god awful dress with her.

Sakura just ended up in a rolling stones tank and skinny jeans. Fuck it not like she's going to have a wedding… hopefully.

When she walked out she glanced over at Itachi who hurriedly went back into his room.

Sakura pointed at his door while looking at Deidara with furrowed eyebrows "Was he wearing a tuxedo?"

He shrugged messing with a chainsaw.

"What are you going to use that for?"

He smiled up at Sakura "Making a glory hole from the boys bathroom to the girls, in the restrooms in the park."

"…you do know that a girl will be on the other end of the glory hole, right sweet heart?"

He glared and stomped away, not one for gay jokes I guess.

After the third cockroach snuck into Kisame's protein shake when he turned around Itachi actually came downstairs ready to go.

Sakura was amped so she walked a little faster to be ahead of him then turned around to walk backwards "So, when we planin' on poppin the hood?"

"I have no clue what that means…" itachi was just focused on his thinking

'_right foot, left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot…'_

Sakura frowned and hesitated "Come on, this is booooring; you hafta talk to me one day."

"And I will… once when my life depends on it."

'_Tch, figures the day we go out he still holds his sarcasm.'_

They picked a little hick restaurant to eat at.

"Well what'd ya'll be havn' this evenin'" God the big teased out red bun on top of her head was killing all eyes around not to mention not only did she sound like a cow, she was chomping on gum like one.

Sakura went with their famous all golden fresh baked waffles and Itachi had toast eggs with bacon.

It was going good, until Sakura's waffle piece didn't land in 'Betsy Lou' the waitresses hair instead hit her back and she noticed the rest of the first waffled nestled in comfortable in-between the millions of curls.

Thus started into some yelling match which ended up as…

"And ya'll are sooo dumb that I'd give you a goat for two cows and four chickens!" Sakura making fun of the whole redneck clan.

Fortunately, Itachi saw Lil Wayne and threw him in the middle of the mob which gave him enough time to book it the hell out dragging Sakura with him.

(**DO NOT WORRY I WENT BACK AND SAVED LIL WAYNE, THEN WE MADE SOME HARDCORE SEX TAPES((TRUE STORY)))**

Sakura and Itachi were chilling on a rock near the base.

"What is the matter with you! You could've gotten us killed!"

"But I didn't did I? No so chill-ax" Itachi noticed Sakura's fish bowl eyes and her wobbly head.

"What are you on?"

"Well I had a cough so I drank some Dellcum."

"How much did you drink?"

"…the whole bottle, two tops." Oh god Sakura's trippin

Itachi couldn't even fathom this day so they just walked back to the base, well Itachi did Sakura was actually _'skipping in a field of singing sunflowers on the sun with lava lamp man.'_

_Kisame, Deidara, and Itachi were sitting on the couch, while Sakura was in the kitchen talking Ino into drinking a bottle of delcum._

_A bottle of cough syrup later Kisame walked in Ino and Sakura on the kitchen floor giving each other fish bowls._

_Which believe you me is fucking freaky as hell._

_Kisame and Itachi ended up puppet walking Sakura and Ino up to their beds where they sat in the dark with crack eyes talking to their blanket._

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_Not good, my B dog_

_Cocaine nose job,_

_Sam_


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